Big Red part 3

So we find ourselves at Sgt. Hughes' house in a small town called North Pole. North Pole Alaska is between Fairbanks and Eielson Air Force Base. His wife is also an Air Force enlisted person but holds a second job at night as a waitress at a bar, so she hasn't seen us pile into her house after evacuating her new, recently puked-in car. We are sitting around the living room deciding what to do next. Tim says, "Well, I have to take Dane home. Robert, you and Ron sit tight here while I'm gone. Dane only lives about ten minutes from here. Then we will decide how you guys are going to get back to the base." I said "O.K." Ron was already asleep. I was looking around the room after Tim and Dane left, wondering what kind of people I was getting acquainted with. I felt that I had made a big mistake. What was I thinking? Here I am 23 years old. I'm deep in the heart of Alaska with literally one road that leads out of here through Canada and down to Washington or Montana. I was with people from all over the country in a place where it snows in September and doesn't stop until late April. They don't call it springtime, they call it breakup. I am in for a long tour of duty. Alaskan assignments are considered overseas assignments. Overseas assignments are classified as either long or short tours. Eielson AFB is a long tour. Three years long. Ten minutes comes and goes. Twenty minutes. Then I fell asleep. I awake to the sound of someone coming into the house. Oh good. Tim is back. Now it's time to decide how a drunk, underage Ron and a nervous, sober, newbie are going to...wait, it's not Tim. It's his wife. She sees me sitting on the floor. Ron asleep on th floor next to me, and says, "Who are you? What's going on?" "Hi. I'm Robert. Tim should be here soon. He went to take Dane home." I looked at the time and over an hour had passed. Where could they be? She didn't look too happy. Just then, Tim comes in. Good. He tries to explain to his wife what happened but she doesn't want to hear it. Ron wakes up and says "What's going on? Tim said, "We need to get you guys back to the base. Robert, can you drive Ron's car?" I said "Well, no, not really. I don't know how to drive stick shift." Tim said, well, I can't let Ron drive like this I and I really don't want to drive you all the way there and then come back, so you are going to have to try." I said, "Even if I could manage to drive stick without burning out the clutch, I wouldn't know how to get back to the base. I'd get lost. It's dark and snowing and I don't know the way. By the way, what took you so long? You said ten minutes." Tim replied, "Dane couldn't remember where he lived." I rolled my eyes and said, "Anyway, the security guards at the gate will stop to check our IDs at this hour. When they see that Ron is under age and drunk, we will both get sent to correctional custody. (Air Force detention/jail). Ron immediately piped up with an angry retort. "NO WAY! He's not driving my car! I pay the mother f***ing bills on that car. He's not going to F***up my clutch. I can get past the guards! Adam and I once both drank a 5th of Jack and were able to do it. All I need is a pack of Big Red!" Tim looked at me and said, OK. both of you sleep here tonight. I'll take you back in the morning." Stay tuned for part 4. - The Day After.

Big Red - Part Two

So I'm sitting in the back seat of a car with my three intoxicated new friends, in the middle of an Alaskan snowstorm, on a Thursday evening, wondering what in the world I have gotten myself into. Tim Hughes, my supervisor, is driving his wife's new car, Dane has had "Way too much to drink" and is sitting in the
front passenger seat, I am sitting behind him, and Ron is sitting to my left. Dane says he is feeling very warm and decides to open the window a crack to let in some cool air. I am feeling a little down at this point. Is this what the next three years is going to be like? I am staring out the window to my right watching the endless snow stream by in the cold, black, Fairbanks night and then I notice streaks of foamy water coating the outside of the window and I start to feel little drops of cold water hitting my face. I thought, "Oh great, snow and rain too?" What kind of place is this? But this wasn't rain. It smelled of beer and fish. I looked toward Dane and noticed the he was arching his neck upward toward the crack at the top where he rolled down the window. OMG! He was puking his overindulgence all over the car! It all didn't quite make it through the crack and because when you open one window of a vehicle at high speed, you create a miniature whirlwind inside the cabin. So, tonight's dinner of halibut and beer formed a small tornado inside the car where we all shared the love. I said, "Tim, pull over! Dane is puking!" Tim looks around, sees this and says "Holy shit!" He hits the brakes, cranked the wheel hard to the right, and stops along the shoulder. Dane opens the door, and merely spits out a small chunk of halibut. I guess he was finished with the main event. The rest of us were
feeling angry and funky at the same time. I looked at my new Air Force jacket that I bought at graduation. Patches and emblems now christened by fillet-o-Dane and Heinekin. Then I looked up an the new swirl design in the ceiling the beer had made. I looked at Dane with disgust, he looked at me, then looked at the pretty new pattern on the ceiling and said, "Hey, check it out." At that point, I busrt into laughter. I just gave in to the fact this had happened, there wasn't anything I could do about it, and it was actually pretty funny. Then I said, "You're paying to have this coat cleaned." (see my photos section to see the coat.)

Stay tuned for part three where we now have to figure out how to get every body home and Ron say's he knows how to get past the security guards at the entrance to the base.

Big Red Part 1

I always said that if I were ever to write my memoirs, the title would be called "All I need is a pack of Big Red". This is a story of my first weekend in Alaska.

I joined the Air Force in April of 1988. I graduated high school in 1983 so I was a little older than your typical airman. I went to two years of college first, then went to work for a while then decided in order to give my resume a boost; I would join the Air Force for more experience. I was involved in drafting ever since junior high and was trained as a draftsman with some college and work experience. I found a job in the Air Force called "Engineering Assistant Specialist." This was perfect. I would be assisting Architects and Engineers by creating drawings and working on land surveys. This was exactly the job I needed to further my career. I was 22 and because of two years of college, was given advanced rank. I was an E-3, Airman 1^st Class. I was trained in Texas with 6 weeks of basic military training and 12 weeks of technical school. When I arrived in Fairbanks in September of 1988 I was greeted by the people in my shop. Staff Sergeant Tim Hughes, Airman 1^st class Dane Boyle, and Airman Basic Ron Bell. There were others in the shop but I these are the principal player's in my first weekend's folly. Dane was 21, Sgt. Hughes was 27, and Ron was 19.

Tim and Dane wanted to welcome me to Alaska by taking me out on the town. It was a Thursday night and we decided to go to a couple of bars. Now, Fairbanks doesn't have much in the way of night club action and being from Chicago, Fairbanks seems more like a mid-sized town than a city to me.

Being new to the Air Force and new to Alaska and new to these people, I was a rookie to all around me. Talk about stranger in a strange land. It starts to snow in late September and doesn't stop until April. Alaskans say they have four seasons during the year; early winter, mid winter, late winter and next winter. This was the first thing I needed to get used to.

Tim was driving his wife's new car, Dane was riding shotgun, I was behind Dane and Ron was to my left. Yes, Ron decided to join us. Don't ask me how, but it seemed like Ron had no trouble getting into bars and getting drinks at his age, and I didn't ask questions.

As the night progressed, we hit a couple of bars, had a few drinks except for me. I wasn't much of a drinker so I was watching the other three booze it up while I sat bored out of my mind and was wondering what I had gotten myself into. I had a lot of second thoughts after I joined the Air Force. I felt that I made a big mistake. I didn't take to military life very well and to top it off, I was stuck in Alaska for a three year tour of duty.

By evening's end, we found ourselves at a gentleman's club and I was watching the fully nude strippers thinking, oh nice, show me more of what I can't have. Dane looked at me and said "Robert, are you O.K.?" I thought he was being concerned that I wasn't having a good time. I said "Yea, I'm good." Dane replied, "No, I mean, are you O.K. to drive, I've had WAY too much to drink." I looked at him and said, "Yes, but I have no idea where anything is and don't know the way home, plus it's snowing heavily out there." Tim said, "No it's O.K. I'll drive." Now understand, Tim, Dane and Ron are all drunk. I am out in a strange town with three drunk people I just met and I am about to be a passenger in a car in a snowstorm.

To be continued...

The Late Mitch Hedberg

One of my favorites comedians is the late Mitch Hedberg. He had an unusual style of humor but he always made me laugh at his observations. The following are quotes from some of his routines. Enjoy.

"I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table."

"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"

"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. 'Damn it, Otto, you're an alcoholic.' 'Damn it, Otto, you have lupus.' One of those two doesn't sound right."

"I'm sick of chasing my dreams man, I'm just gonna ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The Gold Box

The Gold Box.


A young man learns
what's most important in life from the guy next door.
It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams.

There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with his wife and son. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him.

Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr. Belser died last night The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days.

"Jack, did you hear me?"

"Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said.

"Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over 'his side of the fence' as he put it," Mom told him.

"I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said.

"You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr. Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence
in your life," she said "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important...Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said.

As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away.

The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time.

Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly.

"What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked..

"The box is gone," he said "What box?" Mom asked.

"There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box.. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it.

"Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom."

It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died Returning home from work one day Jack discovered
a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days," the note read.
Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope.
Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch.

Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved:

"Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser."

"The thing he valued most was...my time"

Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. "I need some time
to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way,
Janet, thanks for your time!"

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away,"
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. At least 2 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

4. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

5. You mean the world to someone.

6. If not for you, someone may not be living.

7. You are special and unique.

8. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you trust God to do what's best, and wait on His time, sooner or later, you will get it or something better.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good can still come from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.

11. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

12. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

13. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know and you'll both be happy.

14. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

Send this letter to all the people you care about, if you do so, you will certainly brighten someone's day and might change their perspective on life...for the better.

To everyone I sent this to " Thanks for your time".

A poet and a scientist

A poet and a scientist

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5."
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."
The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"
The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.
The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."
The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.
The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"
The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

Job Interview Question

Job Interview Question

 

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.



The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."